U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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