He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
