If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
