You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
