85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
