yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
