i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
