I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
