I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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