I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
