glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
