Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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