My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
