I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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