My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
