you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
