im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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