I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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