I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
