I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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