2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
