I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Vodka?
Forever.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
