it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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