Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
