At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
