he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
