i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
