when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
