Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I supernannyed him into submission
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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