i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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