im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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