I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
