just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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