I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
