I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
