I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We need a shit load of segways right now
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
