I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
