I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I don't deserve a penis
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
