I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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