You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i wish my penis had a tongue
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
