An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The power of my boobs compel you
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
