I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
