I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We have started to decorate penises.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
