Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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