pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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