He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
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