My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
