hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
