Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
