my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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